8 GREAT things to do with a fleet of awful Fords

Comments 347
Download PDF

Ever surfed Craigslist and thought, “I’ve seen it all?” I promise you’ve never seen anything like this fleet of tiny Fords.

If you read AutoWaffle regularly, you’re probably into cars. If you’re into cars, you’ve probably had dreams of buying plenty of them, even when it doesn’t always makes sense. That’s great! This one’s for you! How about an entire fleet of tiny Fords?

Just look at them. They’re so hideous. So awful. So horrible. So unimpressive. So uninspired.

ford-festiva-craigslist-ad ford-fiesta-craigslist-ad

They’re beautiful – and you want them. So do I.

But if you’ve got to rationalize your purchase, the first question you’re bound to have is “What am I going to do with these things?” Well, my friends, in today’s edition of Biscuits and Crazy, I’m here to help with 8 BIG ideas for these TINY Fords. If you have any other ideas, tell us in the comments! Without further ado….

1. Start a 24 Hours of LeMons multi-car race team

If you’ve never heard of the 24 Hours of LeMons (Lemons, not LeMans), then you need to get out more. Essentially, it’s crap car endurance racing. The rules are simple: you need to follow basic safety regulations, which the LeMons organizers lay out for you, and the vehicle you race has to cost $500 or less. These little Fiestas and Festivas are perfect for this. No, you don’t need to go fast to win, and really, winning isn’t even the important part. That’s part of what makes the event so great. Even surviving is generally considered a victory.

As a bonus, the organizers have a sense of humor when it comes to “race cars” and racing penalties. The penalties are downright ridiculous. Take a look at this team, from 2013, that had to make a “Harlem Shake” video as punishment:

2. Start a museum for under-appreciated econoboxes

Come on. Who doesn’t love car museums? If you’re reading this, you probably do! Everybody has seen muscle cars and exotics in museums. Why not a museum dedicated to the Fiesta and Festiva? Remember, folks: those who do not learn from history and understand it are destined to repeat it. In the case of these cars… that’s probably a bad thing. Save humanity and build a museum! Why not?


3. Start your own vehicular Olympic games

The boys, or, the former boys, of Top Gear inspired this one. There are enough vehicles here that you could have a full on soccer team! An American football team! A basketball team! Heck, you could even try your hand at curling, if you’re in a cold enough climate! For a little bit of a throwback, here’s the clip from that time Top Gear did car soccer:

4. Make a Trans-FORD-er (Sorry, not sorry.)

That’s the best pun you’re going to read all day. Admit it. Once you do, you can move on and get to work building one. With this many cars at your disposal, you can EASILY outdo the Florida man who built a 23 foot tall Autobot on the side of his house. You can read all about that by clicking this link.

There are definitely enough cars here to build a giant robot. Use your imagination.

There are definitely enough cars here to build a giant robot. Use your imagination.

5. Invade a small island nation

You could totally take these things and storm an island. Who would stop you?

I guess people with guns, but… now you’re just splitting hairs!

This one here looks the most qualified to lead the charge into battle. Its wheels even appear to match.

This one here looks the most qualified to lead the charge into battle. Its wheels even appear to match.

6. Start a Fiesta/Festiva-based limousine service and take over Uber.

Here’s a step-by-step guide:

1. Buy Fiestas and Festivas
2. Cut up and re-weld into limousines
3. ???
4. Profit!

If that’s not a million dollar idea, I don’t know what is!

Yellow cab? No. Yellow Fiesta limo!

Yellow cab? No. Yellow Fiesta limo!

7. Bully the local chapter of the Chevette owner’s club

The Ford vs Chevy rivalry is alive and well in all vehicle classes. You can take all these Fiestas and Festivas and gang up on some Chevette club guys.

Do those even exist? Apparently, they do!

8. Take Pumpkin Chunk’n to the extreme

This might be my favorite idea, mostly because you’d be destroying these terrible cars in the process, but also because you get to launch things into the air! The contraptions these people build just to fire pumpkins into the sky have an unreal amount of engineering put into them. Take a look here:


Now just imagine one of these tiny little Fords being launched by a similar contraption. Just think about it. You know you want to.

This one looks especially pitiful, making it an ideal launch candidate.

This one looks especially pitiful, making it an ideal launch candidate.


What do you think? What ELSE would you do with your very own fleet of Ford Fiestas and Festivas?

Ray Saez, Jr.

Ray is a lifelong auto enthusiast. His father worked on the dealership side of the industry for many years, and his passion for fast, fun, and unique cars has been passed on. Particularly fond of American cars and trucks, Ray is an avid General Motors fan. When not writing, he can be found with his dogs, or at a local car show.

View all contributions by Ray Saez, Jr.

Website: http://autowaffle.com

Subscribe via RSS

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner